Sometimes good things come....

To those that don't deserve them! I'm sure by now you wondering where the bitterness is coming from! Well, as always there is a story as to why. I just found out yesterday that my ex-fiance (who is 29) accidently got his 19 y/o girlfriend pregnant. Now, why should this affect me you ask, well it shouldn't and it really doesn't but it is bothering the crap out of me. It all started when my dad was at walmart....he walked down the bread aisle and ran into my ex, and instead of continuing to walk down the aisle and just maybe smiling or saying hi, he decides to start chatting with him. This is the man who cheated on his daughter on and off for years, who stole money from him, who broke his daughters heart, and he has the nerve to strike up a lovely conversation about how he is doing. So after I am given this news I simmer for a bit....I start thinking about how this can just accidently happen to him when I've tried so hard for so long, why my dad would even make an effort to speak to this man....as I'm thinking all this, I start asking questions, who talked to who first, how did this subject come up, etc. Now, at this point I am starting to get angry about the whole thing, and then my dad says the unthinkable...."just get over it!"....just get over it, I said those words in my head and then the angry infertile came out of me and I went off. I started crying and left to go drive around.....my poor DH didn't know what to do. At this point I'm not sure what hurt more, the comment from my dad or the news about my ex.

I am ok today, just ok, not great. I feel bitter and angry. I feel like he told my dad knowing it would get back to me. I'm mad that he can still hurt me even though I haven't seen him in years. I'm angry at my dad for the comment he made....I just don't know how to let it go. I want to be ok with IF, I want to be ok with the fact that it may never happen. I thought I was ok with everything but after the news yesterday its apparent that I'm not. I will get through this, I am a strong woman.....I guess I really have no choice do I?

Slowly starting to realize....

That I am really bad at blogging! I have not updated at all lately and for that I am sorry. Nothing has really changed other than the fact that I am on a diet and going to the gym. I figure now is the time since we are on a break from all the infertility stuff. So far its been going well but finding time to go to the gym has been difficult. When I do go I leave feeling so much better about myself, it is very worth it to go.

As far as things on the baby front go, there really isn't much to tell. We are still on a break (a much enjoyed break) and I am finally coming to peace with infertility. I have been focusing on making things better for us (ie: money, stability, health, etc). And I have really tried not to think about having a baby. I feel like things have gotten better in our lives (not that things were bad before) and I am the happiest I have been in years. For the longest time everyday was focused on infertility and having a baby. It was consuming my life and I am very glad to say that is no longer the way it works. I feel better about our situation and where are life is heading.

On another note, we just got back from vacationing in Vero Beach, Florida. It was BEAUTIFUL! I could have stayed on the beach the whole time we were there. The drive wasn't the best but once we got there and I saw the beach it was totally worth it. There wasn't a whole lot to do there but I think that was a nice part about our trip. The beaches weren't overcrowded, it wasn't touristy and it seemed like a safe place to be. We will definitely be going back only next time we are flying!

We also just celebrated our 3rd anniversary which also marked 3 years of trying to conceive....we have been trying since we got married. It was nice to be in Florida for our anniversary. It was a great day and we spent it together on the beach....it was a beautiful day, just like our wedding day!

Well that is all for now...I will try and keep updating as much as I can but as you can see not a whole lot has been going on for me lately! Thanks for reading!

WOW, its been a while

I once again have neglected my poor little blog. It just seems like since the IUI things have gotten crazy and I haven't had the time to update. As I am sure you are probably assuming, the IUI didn't work. I guess going into it I pretty much knew it wasn't going to work since it was with my OBGYN and not a specialist. They never checked his numbers, never checked me, and then said that it was just a shot in the dark. I was very disappointed and didn't really get my hopes up. So, at this point we are on a break for about 3 months. I have decided to try and get myself back in shape and healthy in hopes that maybe it will help.

I will admit that it has been kinda nice not having to worry about what CD I am on or how my DPO I am. It just feels good to not have to think about infertility all the time. I don't want infertility to be my life....it is not who I am or what defines me as a woman. It is a medical condition that both myself and my husband are dealing with. I don't think infertility is a bad word or a scarlet letter, I don't think it is shameful or embarrassing, but I also don't think that it needs to be a reminder to me everyday. I am made up of more than just the fact that we are "infertile". This is something that I felt needed to be said and it has been bothering me for a day or so. So, I said what I needed to say (although there a few other things I could probably say) and I am done for now. I'm sure by now anyone reading this is wondering why I chose to say this and what the heck happened. Maybe I will discuss it later but for now my lips are sealed.

Spider Webs

In case you were wondering, yes I took this picture and I am very proud of it! Do you know how hard it is to take a picture of a spider web? I have recently become very fond of photography and this morning I saw this and had to snap a shot. And of course, as almost everything does, it made me think of infertility. I will try to explain myself. I had my very first IUI done on Monday and ever since then I have been thinking about this delicate process that may or may not be going on in my body. It is very intricate much like this spider web....all the pieces have to fit together for it to be strong. I cannot stop thinking about the IUI. I think about it every day. Like I said in a prior post....I don't know how I am going to handle a IUI BFN. I am assuming that it is going to be harder than a clomid BFN.

So, about the IUI. It went well and was not nearly as bad as I was expecting it to be. There was a little cramping and pressure, and at one point some pain, but nothing that I couldn't handle. After it was over and we were in the car driving home my DH says to me "I kinda gotta taste of what its going to be like when your pregnant....you laying on the table and me holding your hand" I thought it was sweet :) I know that he is thinking about it a lot too. He keeps bringing it up at the weirdest times. As we sat in the room together with our little swimmers in a vial, we couldn't help but think that our baby could be in there....just waiting for a perfect little egg to snuggle into. It was crazy to see them just sitting there. My DH didn't want to come in the room at first but we made a deal....I would take his sample in and he would be in the room with me. I am pretty sure that he was glad that he was in there for that moment. After it was all said and done, I kept thinking about what could possibly going on in my body....it was kind of a weird feeling! I am still thinking about it on a daily basis.....is my body making a baby right now??? Let's hope! Only 11 more days to go before I can test! Its going to be a long 11 days!

Another reason to hate my body

So, my doctors office called and gave me the price list for what the IUI is going to cost. It was about $80 cheaper than what I was expecting! During the call I start asking questions like when to call, how does the this process work, etc. Well she proceeds to tell me that she has no idea how to answer my questions and will have a nurse call me. About an hour later they call back and it was my actual doctor calling....I have never spoke to this man on the phone...he never calls himself!! I was shocked! So we discuss the IUI and how the whole process is going to work....he then tells me that if I ovulate on the weekend that we will have to do the IUI next month :( He says that we are young so there is no rush! I was a little upset by this comment....I mean really doc, are you the one taking these pills that turn you into Godzilla and make you sweat like crazy?! So now I have another reason to hate my body...if it decides to ovulate on the weekend, I am going to be very angry....I just need it to cooperate! I am going to be so mad if this whole cycle is canceled because its a weekend!

In other news, I FINALLY got my hair cut!!! It feels a lot better but it is going to take some getting used to. Its a little bit more choppy then I am used to and he cut some more side bangs, which I am also not used to. It makes me seem either punk or artistic, if that makes any sense. The verdict is still out tho....I may need to post a picture and get some opinions!

I also wanted to mention that I was nominated for my FIRST blog award!!! I am super excited!! I was very touched and glad to know that someone reads my babbling! So, thank you so much!!!!

One step closer

Well its official, I finished my last clomid this morning! Luckily I have only really had a few side effects....mostly just night sweats, and maybe a little moodiness! But all in all the 100mg wasn't that bad. DH keeps mentioning how close we are to doing the IUI. I know he is nervous, mostly about ending up with 3 children. I can't deny that I am getting more and more scared as the days go by. I think in my mind I pretty much know that this isn't going to work (great attitude, right)....maybe I am trying to make sure that I don't set myself up for heartache....but realistically there is NO way to prepare yourself for a BFN.

So, last night at work was terrible. I think in the 2 years that I have worked there, this was one of the top 3 worst nights. Everything that could have gone wrong did. At one point I went to the restroom and as I was washing my hands I looked in the mirror....I noticed at least 3 WHITE (not gray) hairs on my head!!!! I am still in my 20's!!! How this is possible, I don't know. This lead me to think, is the stress of my job part of the reason it is so hard for us to get pregnant?? I always hear that stress has a bad effect on fertility. Maybe its the IF that is causing the white hair. Either way, I don't like it.

On a good note, I am getting my hair cut on Tuesday and I could not be happier! I tried really hard to grow my hair out (per the request of my DH) and I realized that long hair just isn't for me. I used to have this cute angled bob that was shorter in the back and got longer in the front....it was always stylish and framed my face so well. But he wanted me to grow it out so I tried for him. It's so funny how a simple hair style can make a woman feel so bad about herself. I have felt horribly ugly for the last 3 weeks. So, you won the battle hair....I get it....you can stop flipping out in weird places and making me feel bad about myself...I will be taking care of you in a few days!

One step closer, maybe....

IUI here we come!!! My second round of clomid worked...just not well enough. The doctor finally realized that we are running against the wind and the chances of us getting pregnant with clomid only are slim to none. So, he upped my clomid to 100mg and we will be doing an IUI this month. As happy as I am about this, I am also scared out of my mind. What if this doesn't work, what if we do more than one of these and none of them work? Can I really handle an IUI BFN? I don't know if I can.

Month after month I see this horrible stick with only one line....you know that one stick that seems to be laughing at you for actually thinking that this might be it, that stupid stick that you go back 4-5 times to look at, that stupid stick that you take into another room and look at it under a different light....and my favorite, that stupid stick that you dig out of the trash 2 hours later to see if maybe you might have missed something....I think we have all met that stick. And I hate that stick....I am starting to wonder if I will ever see this mythical double line.

Every once in a while I get this overwhelming feeling that it is never going to happen, that all this is for nothing and that we are crazy to think any of this is going to work. Maybe I am not meant to be a mom.....I mean lets talk about this realistically, I CANNOT see myself as a mom. Now maybe I can't see it cause we have tried for so long and nothing has happened....its very possible. Or maybe I can't see it because it will never be. I try to imagine what life will be like....I can't see that either. Either way I am tired of being "that" person. That one person that people always exclude in converstations....I mean what do I know about diapers. I used to try and add my two cents but really its just not worth it anymore. It is better for me to sit in silence until it is over. I sometimes wonder if when people are talking endlessly about their children if they think about how I CAN"T have one. If they wonder if the 30 minute conversation about how their child did the funniest thing in the store today might bother me after a while. I don't think they do.....and really can I blame them??? Will I do the same thing if/when I have my own child???

I. Am. Scared. I don't like reality and I don't like hope either.....both of them hurt. Maybe someday my vision will change but for now its on to another cycle of clomid.....with IUI....hopefully I will have good news to report next time....BUT I am not holding my breath.