One step closer, maybe....

IUI here we come!!! My second round of clomid worked...just not well enough. The doctor finally realized that we are running against the wind and the chances of us getting pregnant with clomid only are slim to none. So, he upped my clomid to 100mg and we will be doing an IUI this month. As happy as I am about this, I am also scared out of my mind. What if this doesn't work, what if we do more than one of these and none of them work? Can I really handle an IUI BFN? I don't know if I can.

Month after month I see this horrible stick with only one line....you know that one stick that seems to be laughing at you for actually thinking that this might be it, that stupid stick that you go back 4-5 times to look at, that stupid stick that you take into another room and look at it under a different light....and my favorite, that stupid stick that you dig out of the trash 2 hours later to see if maybe you might have missed something....I think we have all met that stick. And I hate that stick....I am starting to wonder if I will ever see this mythical double line.

Every once in a while I get this overwhelming feeling that it is never going to happen, that all this is for nothing and that we are crazy to think any of this is going to work. Maybe I am not meant to be a mom.....I mean lets talk about this realistically, I CANNOT see myself as a mom. Now maybe I can't see it cause we have tried for so long and nothing has happened....its very possible. Or maybe I can't see it because it will never be. I try to imagine what life will be like....I can't see that either. Either way I am tired of being "that" person. That one person that people always exclude in converstations....I mean what do I know about diapers. I used to try and add my two cents but really its just not worth it anymore. It is better for me to sit in silence until it is over. I sometimes wonder if when people are talking endlessly about their children if they think about how I CAN"T have one. If they wonder if the 30 minute conversation about how their child did the funniest thing in the store today might bother me after a while. I don't think they do.....and really can I blame them??? Will I do the same thing if/when I have my own child???

I. Am. Scared. I don't like reality and I don't like hope either.....both of them hurt. Maybe someday my vision will change but for now its on to another cycle of clomid.....with IUI....hopefully I will have good news to report next time....BUT I am not holding my breath.

Round 2.....

Round 1 of Clomid worked....it was the swimmers that didn't cooperate. I had my progesterone draw on CD22 and got my results back with a level of 19! The doctor said that I definitly ovulated. I was so sure that last month was going to be my month....and then I got SEVERAL BFN's. I had my day of crying and got back up on the horse again. I started my second round of Clomid on July 1st. And although I absolutely hate taking medication, I am glad to take this one.....if it means that I am one step close then I will take it. So, right now it's back to OPK's twice a day. This month has been a little different though...by this time last month I had a line almost as dark as the control line....now its barely there. I will just keep trying I guess, I mean what else can I do?

On a side note, I must say that this whole process has been a bit easier since I am going through the whole thing with my friend Nina. We have been each others support system since we are pretty much at the same point in our cycle. We have been sad together, happy together, frustrated together....and now we are starting this whole thing over again....together. So, Nina if you read this you have no idea how much it means to me to have you through this whole thing. You are truly a GREAT person with a BEAUTIFUL soul. I hope you know that no matter what I am here for you....good news, bad news, good days, and bad days.....you know I am only a text away. Lots of hugs to you!!

And to my 1 follower, Jennifer......thank you for reading my not so interesting blog! I know that I am not the best at this but I really appreciate your words of encouragment. I know that we can do this! I hope you know that I am here for you whenever you need me! We are cycle buddies and I am looking forward to the day when you and Nina and I move over to SAIF together. I am both your cheerleaders!

So, its been a little over an hour since I last saw my husband and I miss him already. There are some days when I just sit there and look at him and think about how lucky I am. Now don't get me wrong, I went through A LOT of frogs before I got my Prince! But he is truly a gift from God. He has been really supportive through this whole thing.....I don't know what I would do without him. I sat with him and talked about what all I have to do during this process and why it is always on my mind.....its not that I choose to think about it everyday....between appointments and pills and OPK's and writing everything down...I have no choice but to think about it all the time. He didn't realize all that I had to do. He has been so wonderful about my mood swings and with me being ok with IF one day and crying about it the next. I don't know what I could ever do to repay him for his support and love. I just hope that I will be able to make him a father someday. He will be one of the best.

I will try to keep this updated.....I have been really bad about writing on here and I know if I don't stick with it I will regret it. This isn't the only thing I have been neglecting....I have been neglecting my Nestie Girls and I am so sorry for that. So if any of you are reading this, I will try to be a better Nester. I love all of you!