One step closer, maybe....

IUI here we come!!! My second round of clomid worked...just not well enough. The doctor finally realized that we are running against the wind and the chances of us getting pregnant with clomid only are slim to none. So, he upped my clomid to 100mg and we will be doing an IUI this month. As happy as I am about this, I am also scared out of my mind. What if this doesn't work, what if we do more than one of these and none of them work? Can I really handle an IUI BFN? I don't know if I can.

Month after month I see this horrible stick with only one line....you know that one stick that seems to be laughing at you for actually thinking that this might be it, that stupid stick that you go back 4-5 times to look at, that stupid stick that you take into another room and look at it under a different light....and my favorite, that stupid stick that you dig out of the trash 2 hours later to see if maybe you might have missed something....I think we have all met that stick. And I hate that stick....I am starting to wonder if I will ever see this mythical double line.

Every once in a while I get this overwhelming feeling that it is never going to happen, that all this is for nothing and that we are crazy to think any of this is going to work. Maybe I am not meant to be a mom.....I mean lets talk about this realistically, I CANNOT see myself as a mom. Now maybe I can't see it cause we have tried for so long and nothing has happened....its very possible. Or maybe I can't see it because it will never be. I try to imagine what life will be like....I can't see that either. Either way I am tired of being "that" person. That one person that people always exclude in converstations....I mean what do I know about diapers. I used to try and add my two cents but really its just not worth it anymore. It is better for me to sit in silence until it is over. I sometimes wonder if when people are talking endlessly about their children if they think about how I CAN"T have one. If they wonder if the 30 minute conversation about how their child did the funniest thing in the store today might bother me after a while. I don't think they do.....and really can I blame them??? Will I do the same thing if/when I have my own child???

I. Am. Scared. I don't like reality and I don't like hope either.....both of them hurt. Maybe someday my vision will change but for now its on to another cycle of clomid.....with IUI....hopefully I will have good news to report next time....BUT I am not holding my breath.