WOW, its been a while

I once again have neglected my poor little blog. It just seems like since the IUI things have gotten crazy and I haven't had the time to update. As I am sure you are probably assuming, the IUI didn't work. I guess going into it I pretty much knew it wasn't going to work since it was with my OBGYN and not a specialist. They never checked his numbers, never checked me, and then said that it was just a shot in the dark. I was very disappointed and didn't really get my hopes up. So, at this point we are on a break for about 3 months. I have decided to try and get myself back in shape and healthy in hopes that maybe it will help.

I will admit that it has been kinda nice not having to worry about what CD I am on or how my DPO I am. It just feels good to not have to think about infertility all the time. I don't want infertility to be my life....it is not who I am or what defines me as a woman. It is a medical condition that both myself and my husband are dealing with. I don't think infertility is a bad word or a scarlet letter, I don't think it is shameful or embarrassing, but I also don't think that it needs to be a reminder to me everyday. I am made up of more than just the fact that we are "infertile". This is something that I felt needed to be said and it has been bothering me for a day or so. So, I said what I needed to say (although there a few other things I could probably say) and I am done for now. I'm sure by now anyone reading this is wondering why I chose to say this and what the heck happened. Maybe I will discuss it later but for now my lips are sealed.

Spider Webs

In case you were wondering, yes I took this picture and I am very proud of it! Do you know how hard it is to take a picture of a spider web? I have recently become very fond of photography and this morning I saw this and had to snap a shot. And of course, as almost everything does, it made me think of infertility. I will try to explain myself. I had my very first IUI done on Monday and ever since then I have been thinking about this delicate process that may or may not be going on in my body. It is very intricate much like this spider web....all the pieces have to fit together for it to be strong. I cannot stop thinking about the IUI. I think about it every day. Like I said in a prior post....I don't know how I am going to handle a IUI BFN. I am assuming that it is going to be harder than a clomid BFN.

So, about the IUI. It went well and was not nearly as bad as I was expecting it to be. There was a little cramping and pressure, and at one point some pain, but nothing that I couldn't handle. After it was over and we were in the car driving home my DH says to me "I kinda gotta taste of what its going to be like when your pregnant....you laying on the table and me holding your hand" I thought it was sweet :) I know that he is thinking about it a lot too. He keeps bringing it up at the weirdest times. As we sat in the room together with our little swimmers in a vial, we couldn't help but think that our baby could be in there....just waiting for a perfect little egg to snuggle into. It was crazy to see them just sitting there. My DH didn't want to come in the room at first but we made a deal....I would take his sample in and he would be in the room with me. I am pretty sure that he was glad that he was in there for that moment. After it was all said and done, I kept thinking about what could possibly going on in my body....it was kind of a weird feeling! I am still thinking about it on a daily basis.....is my body making a baby right now??? Let's hope! Only 11 more days to go before I can test! Its going to be a long 11 days!

Another reason to hate my body

So, my doctors office called and gave me the price list for what the IUI is going to cost. It was about $80 cheaper than what I was expecting! During the call I start asking questions like when to call, how does the this process work, etc. Well she proceeds to tell me that she has no idea how to answer my questions and will have a nurse call me. About an hour later they call back and it was my actual doctor calling....I have never spoke to this man on the phone...he never calls himself!! I was shocked! So we discuss the IUI and how the whole process is going to work....he then tells me that if I ovulate on the weekend that we will have to do the IUI next month :( He says that we are young so there is no rush! I was a little upset by this comment....I mean really doc, are you the one taking these pills that turn you into Godzilla and make you sweat like crazy?! So now I have another reason to hate my body...if it decides to ovulate on the weekend, I am going to be very angry....I just need it to cooperate! I am going to be so mad if this whole cycle is canceled because its a weekend!

In other news, I FINALLY got my hair cut!!! It feels a lot better but it is going to take some getting used to. Its a little bit more choppy then I am used to and he cut some more side bangs, which I am also not used to. It makes me seem either punk or artistic, if that makes any sense. The verdict is still out tho....I may need to post a picture and get some opinions!

I also wanted to mention that I was nominated for my FIRST blog award!!! I am super excited!! I was very touched and glad to know that someone reads my babbling! So, thank you so much!!!!

One step closer

Well its official, I finished my last clomid this morning! Luckily I have only really had a few side effects....mostly just night sweats, and maybe a little moodiness! But all in all the 100mg wasn't that bad. DH keeps mentioning how close we are to doing the IUI. I know he is nervous, mostly about ending up with 3 children. I can't deny that I am getting more and more scared as the days go by. I think in my mind I pretty much know that this isn't going to work (great attitude, right)....maybe I am trying to make sure that I don't set myself up for heartache....but realistically there is NO way to prepare yourself for a BFN.

So, last night at work was terrible. I think in the 2 years that I have worked there, this was one of the top 3 worst nights. Everything that could have gone wrong did. At one point I went to the restroom and as I was washing my hands I looked in the mirror....I noticed at least 3 WHITE (not gray) hairs on my head!!!! I am still in my 20's!!! How this is possible, I don't know. This lead me to think, is the stress of my job part of the reason it is so hard for us to get pregnant?? I always hear that stress has a bad effect on fertility. Maybe its the IF that is causing the white hair. Either way, I don't like it.

On a good note, I am getting my hair cut on Tuesday and I could not be happier! I tried really hard to grow my hair out (per the request of my DH) and I realized that long hair just isn't for me. I used to have this cute angled bob that was shorter in the back and got longer in the front....it was always stylish and framed my face so well. But he wanted me to grow it out so I tried for him. It's so funny how a simple hair style can make a woman feel so bad about herself. I have felt horribly ugly for the last 3 weeks. So, you won the battle hair....I get it....you can stop flipping out in weird places and making me feel bad about myself...I will be taking care of you in a few days!

One step closer, maybe....

IUI here we come!!! My second round of clomid worked...just not well enough. The doctor finally realized that we are running against the wind and the chances of us getting pregnant with clomid only are slim to none. So, he upped my clomid to 100mg and we will be doing an IUI this month. As happy as I am about this, I am also scared out of my mind. What if this doesn't work, what if we do more than one of these and none of them work? Can I really handle an IUI BFN? I don't know if I can.

Month after month I see this horrible stick with only one line....you know that one stick that seems to be laughing at you for actually thinking that this might be it, that stupid stick that you go back 4-5 times to look at, that stupid stick that you take into another room and look at it under a different light....and my favorite, that stupid stick that you dig out of the trash 2 hours later to see if maybe you might have missed something....I think we have all met that stick. And I hate that stick....I am starting to wonder if I will ever see this mythical double line.

Every once in a while I get this overwhelming feeling that it is never going to happen, that all this is for nothing and that we are crazy to think any of this is going to work. Maybe I am not meant to be a mom.....I mean lets talk about this realistically, I CANNOT see myself as a mom. Now maybe I can't see it cause we have tried for so long and nothing has happened....its very possible. Or maybe I can't see it because it will never be. I try to imagine what life will be like....I can't see that either. Either way I am tired of being "that" person. That one person that people always exclude in converstations....I mean what do I know about diapers. I used to try and add my two cents but really its just not worth it anymore. It is better for me to sit in silence until it is over. I sometimes wonder if when people are talking endlessly about their children if they think about how I CAN"T have one. If they wonder if the 30 minute conversation about how their child did the funniest thing in the store today might bother me after a while. I don't think they do.....and really can I blame them??? Will I do the same thing if/when I have my own child???

I. Am. Scared. I don't like reality and I don't like hope either.....both of them hurt. Maybe someday my vision will change but for now its on to another cycle of clomid.....with IUI....hopefully I will have good news to report next time....BUT I am not holding my breath.

Round 2.....

Round 1 of Clomid worked....it was the swimmers that didn't cooperate. I had my progesterone draw on CD22 and got my results back with a level of 19! The doctor said that I definitly ovulated. I was so sure that last month was going to be my month....and then I got SEVERAL BFN's. I had my day of crying and got back up on the horse again. I started my second round of Clomid on July 1st. And although I absolutely hate taking medication, I am glad to take this one.....if it means that I am one step close then I will take it. So, right now it's back to OPK's twice a day. This month has been a little different though...by this time last month I had a line almost as dark as the control line....now its barely there. I will just keep trying I guess, I mean what else can I do?

On a side note, I must say that this whole process has been a bit easier since I am going through the whole thing with my friend Nina. We have been each others support system since we are pretty much at the same point in our cycle. We have been sad together, happy together, frustrated together....and now we are starting this whole thing over again....together. So, Nina if you read this you have no idea how much it means to me to have you through this whole thing. You are truly a GREAT person with a BEAUTIFUL soul. I hope you know that no matter what I am here for you....good news, bad news, good days, and bad days.....you know I am only a text away. Lots of hugs to you!!

And to my 1 follower, Jennifer......thank you for reading my not so interesting blog! I know that I am not the best at this but I really appreciate your words of encouragment. I know that we can do this! I hope you know that I am here for you whenever you need me! We are cycle buddies and I am looking forward to the day when you and Nina and I move over to SAIF together. I am both your cheerleaders!

So, its been a little over an hour since I last saw my husband and I miss him already. There are some days when I just sit there and look at him and think about how lucky I am. Now don't get me wrong, I went through A LOT of frogs before I got my Prince! But he is truly a gift from God. He has been really supportive through this whole thing.....I don't know what I would do without him. I sat with him and talked about what all I have to do during this process and why it is always on my mind.....its not that I choose to think about it everyday....between appointments and pills and OPK's and writing everything down...I have no choice but to think about it all the time. He didn't realize all that I had to do. He has been so wonderful about my mood swings and with me being ok with IF one day and crying about it the next. I don't know what I could ever do to repay him for his support and love. I just hope that I will be able to make him a father someday. He will be one of the best.

I will try to keep this updated.....I have been really bad about writing on here and I know if I don't stick with it I will regret it. This isn't the only thing I have been neglecting....I have been neglecting my Nestie Girls and I am so sorry for that. So if any of you are reading this, I will try to be a better Nester. I love all of you!

And let the wait begin....

So, I have been the laziest person when it comes to updating my blog.....you would think as much time as I have on my hands that I would be better at this. I took my first round of Clomid this month and bought several OPK's. The doctor started me out on 50mg. I was so nervous about taking it. I have read some people get horrible side effects from it. All in all it went pretty well. I had a few moments of the "clomid crazies" and some headaches but not bad at all. And after getting two days worth of positive OPK's, it is now time to just sit back and wait. We have done all we can do at this point....I guess in about two weeks we will know if it worked or not. I go in for another progesterone blood draw on the 23rd which is CD22.

When I first got my prescription for the Clomid, I started having second thoughts.....I looked around the house and at my husband and dog and realized that having a baby in the house was going to completely change our lives. Obviously I have always known this but it just kind of hit me at that moment. I started to think that maybe we should wait....maybe there is a reason why it has taken so long to get to this point. I talked to a friend about how I was feeling and they agreed that it is completely normal. I want a baby more than anything....I can't even imagine someone calling me Mom. One thing I have to remember though is to not get my hopes to high. I have been reading baby name books, looking at nurseries, talking about labor, looking at birth photographers....the list goes on and on. I am so scared that if this doesn't work this month that I am going to be a mess. For some reason though, I know it is going to. I feel like this is it....I have never felt this way before. It could be because we are finally getting somewhere in our treatment. Who knows, lets just pray that I don't have to update this in 2 weeks with bad news.

I have decided that I am going to try and start writing daily. Just to talk about whatever is on my mind. I am sure there is no one who reads this but it makes me feel better to get my thoughts out. So, if you are reading this....Thank you! I hope that my blog in some way helps someone feel like they are not alone in this crazy world of IF.