Wow its been a while!

I have once again neglected my blog. I feel bad about it but with the holidays and such there was just no time it seemed. Not a lot has changed! Still on a break and still not ready to be off the break yet. There have been so many PG announcements lately and honestly I am glad its not me for once. I am pretty sure I have talked myself in to not wanting children right now. I keep thinking about how nice it is to sleep in and go where I want when I want....how nice it is to buy myself something new and not have to feel guilty about it....how nice it is to nap! Maybe I feel this way as a defense mechanisiam....a way to make myself feel better about the whole situation. It's not that I no longer want to try, its that I am enjoying not trying and not worrying. If you ask me, the wondering and waiting and the meds every month is what drains you.....thinking this month may be the month....maybe this is my miracle....its all so hard to deal with. Then there are the feelings of "maybe I'm not meant to be a mom"......"maybe there is another plan for me in my life". Which we all know is rediculous. Every women should have the opportunity to be a mother. As the months pass and people get more and more pregnant, I notice that it gets harder to hear about, and not only that but I am pretty sure I have turned my husband into the type of person who can't listen to it either....which I feel bad about. I don't know if he feels that way because of how much it hurts me, maybe it hurts him too. Whatever the reason I feel bad about it. I know in my heart of hearts its not a good time for us, I want us to be financially stable and for my husband to be done with school.....which leads me to the title of my blog.....someday it will be our turn......I know it will.

Thankful.

Lately with Thanksgiving coming and going, I have started to think about how thankful I really am. And although we are still dealing with IF, I have realized that even though we have one bad situation that I should be thankful for all the other things in my life. I am thankful that I have one of the most loving and caring husbands in the world. He is my rock, my love, my everything. I am thankful that even though I don't have a child, I still have my fur baby....he is so much like a child to me that I cannot even begin to explain it without sounding like a complete idiot. I am thankful that I have a roof over my head, heat to keep me warm, and food to keep me and my little family nourished. I am thankful for my whole family....thankful that I have so many cousins and aunts and uncles who are so loving and caring. I am thankful that my Grandparents are healthy and happy. I am thankful for friendship.....I have met so many wonderful people through a common bond, I can never begin to explain how much their friendships mean to me...they are always there through the good and the bad, and are always there with an understanding shoulder. And last but not least, I am so very thankful for my wonderful job, don't get me wrong everyone gets tired of working every now and then but I am so very thankful to be a part of this group of people.

So, let's get down to the real reason I decided to write this post. I received a call tonight from a cousin of mine....she has been one of my best friends since childhood, and although we have had our ups and downs we still love each other like sisters and would do anything for each other....anyways, she tells me that her house was broken into while she and her husband were home. She heard the footsteps, looked up and saw him staring back at her....he had been in her house for a little while before either of them heard anything. To make a long story short, they figured out that while he was watching them he had a sledge hammer in his hand. Her husband was smart enough not to immediately attack this person and instead just tried to get him out of the house and away from her. I cannot even explain to you how bad I want to run and hug her....to have someone violate your home in that way is unfathomable to me and I know how scared she must be. Tonight, God was watching over them....he was there and protected them....I don't even want to think of what could have happened if she wouldn't have seen him. I am sooooo very thankful that they are both safe and sound tonight.

So hug the ones you love a little tighter....don't forget to say I love you.....never go to bed mad.....always tell someone how you feel about them. As hard as it is for me to do sometimes, I am trying really hard to be thankful for what I have and to not be bitter about what I don't have...because lets just face it, thankful and happy over bitter and angry sounds much better doesn't it?

Sometimes good things come....

To those that don't deserve them! I'm sure by now you wondering where the bitterness is coming from! Well, as always there is a story as to why. I just found out yesterday that my ex-fiance (who is 29) accidently got his 19 y/o girlfriend pregnant. Now, why should this affect me you ask, well it shouldn't and it really doesn't but it is bothering the crap out of me. It all started when my dad was at walmart....he walked down the bread aisle and ran into my ex, and instead of continuing to walk down the aisle and just maybe smiling or saying hi, he decides to start chatting with him. This is the man who cheated on his daughter on and off for years, who stole money from him, who broke his daughters heart, and he has the nerve to strike up a lovely conversation about how he is doing. So after I am given this news I simmer for a bit....I start thinking about how this can just accidently happen to him when I've tried so hard for so long, why my dad would even make an effort to speak to this man....as I'm thinking all this, I start asking questions, who talked to who first, how did this subject come up, etc. Now, at this point I am starting to get angry about the whole thing, and then my dad says the unthinkable...."just get over it!"....just get over it, I said those words in my head and then the angry infertile came out of me and I went off. I started crying and left to go drive around.....my poor DH didn't know what to do. At this point I'm not sure what hurt more, the comment from my dad or the news about my ex.

I am ok today, just ok, not great. I feel bitter and angry. I feel like he told my dad knowing it would get back to me. I'm mad that he can still hurt me even though I haven't seen him in years. I'm angry at my dad for the comment he made....I just don't know how to let it go. I want to be ok with IF, I want to be ok with the fact that it may never happen. I thought I was ok with everything but after the news yesterday its apparent that I'm not. I will get through this, I am a strong woman.....I guess I really have no choice do I?

Slowly starting to realize....

That I am really bad at blogging! I have not updated at all lately and for that I am sorry. Nothing has really changed other than the fact that I am on a diet and going to the gym. I figure now is the time since we are on a break from all the infertility stuff. So far its been going well but finding time to go to the gym has been difficult. When I do go I leave feeling so much better about myself, it is very worth it to go.

As far as things on the baby front go, there really isn't much to tell. We are still on a break (a much enjoyed break) and I am finally coming to peace with infertility. I have been focusing on making things better for us (ie: money, stability, health, etc). And I have really tried not to think about having a baby. I feel like things have gotten better in our lives (not that things were bad before) and I am the happiest I have been in years. For the longest time everyday was focused on infertility and having a baby. It was consuming my life and I am very glad to say that is no longer the way it works. I feel better about our situation and where are life is heading.

On another note, we just got back from vacationing in Vero Beach, Florida. It was BEAUTIFUL! I could have stayed on the beach the whole time we were there. The drive wasn't the best but once we got there and I saw the beach it was totally worth it. There wasn't a whole lot to do there but I think that was a nice part about our trip. The beaches weren't overcrowded, it wasn't touristy and it seemed like a safe place to be. We will definitely be going back only next time we are flying!

We also just celebrated our 3rd anniversary which also marked 3 years of trying to conceive....we have been trying since we got married. It was nice to be in Florida for our anniversary. It was a great day and we spent it together on the beach....it was a beautiful day, just like our wedding day!

Well that is all for now...I will try and keep updating as much as I can but as you can see not a whole lot has been going on for me lately! Thanks for reading!

WOW, its been a while

I once again have neglected my poor little blog. It just seems like since the IUI things have gotten crazy and I haven't had the time to update. As I am sure you are probably assuming, the IUI didn't work. I guess going into it I pretty much knew it wasn't going to work since it was with my OBGYN and not a specialist. They never checked his numbers, never checked me, and then said that it was just a shot in the dark. I was very disappointed and didn't really get my hopes up. So, at this point we are on a break for about 3 months. I have decided to try and get myself back in shape and healthy in hopes that maybe it will help.

I will admit that it has been kinda nice not having to worry about what CD I am on or how my DPO I am. It just feels good to not have to think about infertility all the time. I don't want infertility to be my life....it is not who I am or what defines me as a woman. It is a medical condition that both myself and my husband are dealing with. I don't think infertility is a bad word or a scarlet letter, I don't think it is shameful or embarrassing, but I also don't think that it needs to be a reminder to me everyday. I am made up of more than just the fact that we are "infertile". This is something that I felt needed to be said and it has been bothering me for a day or so. So, I said what I needed to say (although there a few other things I could probably say) and I am done for now. I'm sure by now anyone reading this is wondering why I chose to say this and what the heck happened. Maybe I will discuss it later but for now my lips are sealed.

Spider Webs

In case you were wondering, yes I took this picture and I am very proud of it! Do you know how hard it is to take a picture of a spider web? I have recently become very fond of photography and this morning I saw this and had to snap a shot. And of course, as almost everything does, it made me think of infertility. I will try to explain myself. I had my very first IUI done on Monday and ever since then I have been thinking about this delicate process that may or may not be going on in my body. It is very intricate much like this spider web....all the pieces have to fit together for it to be strong. I cannot stop thinking about the IUI. I think about it every day. Like I said in a prior post....I don't know how I am going to handle a IUI BFN. I am assuming that it is going to be harder than a clomid BFN.

So, about the IUI. It went well and was not nearly as bad as I was expecting it to be. There was a little cramping and pressure, and at one point some pain, but nothing that I couldn't handle. After it was over and we were in the car driving home my DH says to me "I kinda gotta taste of what its going to be like when your pregnant....you laying on the table and me holding your hand" I thought it was sweet :) I know that he is thinking about it a lot too. He keeps bringing it up at the weirdest times. As we sat in the room together with our little swimmers in a vial, we couldn't help but think that our baby could be in there....just waiting for a perfect little egg to snuggle into. It was crazy to see them just sitting there. My DH didn't want to come in the room at first but we made a deal....I would take his sample in and he would be in the room with me. I am pretty sure that he was glad that he was in there for that moment. After it was all said and done, I kept thinking about what could possibly going on in my body....it was kind of a weird feeling! I am still thinking about it on a daily basis.....is my body making a baby right now??? Let's hope! Only 11 more days to go before I can test! Its going to be a long 11 days!

Another reason to hate my body

So, my doctors office called and gave me the price list for what the IUI is going to cost. It was about $80 cheaper than what I was expecting! During the call I start asking questions like when to call, how does the this process work, etc. Well she proceeds to tell me that she has no idea how to answer my questions and will have a nurse call me. About an hour later they call back and it was my actual doctor calling....I have never spoke to this man on the phone...he never calls himself!! I was shocked! So we discuss the IUI and how the whole process is going to work....he then tells me that if I ovulate on the weekend that we will have to do the IUI next month :( He says that we are young so there is no rush! I was a little upset by this comment....I mean really doc, are you the one taking these pills that turn you into Godzilla and make you sweat like crazy?! So now I have another reason to hate my body...if it decides to ovulate on the weekend, I am going to be very angry....I just need it to cooperate! I am going to be so mad if this whole cycle is canceled because its a weekend!

In other news, I FINALLY got my hair cut!!! It feels a lot better but it is going to take some getting used to. Its a little bit more choppy then I am used to and he cut some more side bangs, which I am also not used to. It makes me seem either punk or artistic, if that makes any sense. The verdict is still out tho....I may need to post a picture and get some opinions!

I also wanted to mention that I was nominated for my FIRST blog award!!! I am super excited!! I was very touched and glad to know that someone reads my babbling! So, thank you so much!!!!